uncollected poems - vol 0 - early
i journal a lot
like a lot a lot
sometimes i write poems, sometimes i don't
sometimes things that are not poems become poems
sometimes things that are poems do not become
some of them are in haiku form, some aren't
please do not assume any meaning of my mental state
they are not dated for a good reason nor do i wish to date them (not that you can meet a poem in a cafe but if you wish to meet me in a cafe [or other place] i am very much available for a conversation)
these ones are fairly old (4 years or more) as i try to go through my journals and find things which are poetic in their being
i apologise some of this are in polish as i also speak polish
i translated these as goes, but is this a good translation
i am not a translator
0
still playing morrowind as a redguard pirate
thinking about thinking
returning to fundamentals
1
and i do not know where to go
just everywhere i am
every little thing which can go wrong, goes fucking wrong because it must
2
chcialem odpowiedzi
nie dostalem zadnych
trace wiare
kazdy dzien to jak kaseta ktora przechodzi tak samo
wszystko wyglada tak samo
//
i wanted answers
didnt get any
losing faith
every day like videotape that turns into the same
all looks the same
3
juz nie dziala
nic nie dziala
odwolane plany, usuniete pobyty
boze istnienie
//
now it does not work
nothing works
cancelled plans, deleted visits
gods existence
4
otoz mozna
utracic wiekszosc
utracic stabilnosc
utracic forme rzeczywistosc
zyskac wolnosc
//
so one can
lose the majority
lose the stability
lose the form of reality
gain freedom
5
zyje w tej codziennosci
spie duzo, czytam swoje i jakos to idzie
jutro znow dzienn
i dalej
i dalej
ja istnieje
//
living in this day-to-day
sleep a lot, reading my own, and so it goes
tomorrows again a dayy
and so
and so
i exist
6
kim byc
kim byc
kim byc
kim byc
kim byc
klm byc
kim byc
kim byc
kim byc
kim byc
kim byc
kim byc kim byc kim byc kim byc kim byc kim byc kim byc
czym byc
dlaczego ja nie jestem w stanie
zbudowac codziennosci w ktorej
ja bede siebie respektowal
wszystko czytam jako ucieczke
i boje sie naruszac tego czym jestem
po prostu co chwile cos
i kazda inna osoba
ktorej srodka nie znam
jesli powie
ze ma chociaz
okruszek
poczucia kim jest
to juz budzi we mnie bol
oczywiscie nie obwiniam ich
ale jest to slabosc
ktora posiadam
wszystko co moje jest gorsze
wszystko co moje jest zle
wszystko co moje jest nudne
wszystko co moje jest podstawowe
wszystko co moje jest wtorne
wszystko co moje jest upadle
wszystko co moje jest moje
//
who to be
who to be
who to be
who to be
who to be
who to be
who to be
who to be
who to be
who to be
who to be
who to be who to be who to be who to be who to be who to be who to be
what to be
why am i not able to
build a daily life in which
i will respect myself
and i fear changing that which i am
simply every moment theres something
and every other person
whose internalities i do not know
even says
they have
at least
a breadcumb
of knowing who they are
that wakes a pain in me
of course i do not blame them
but that is a weakness
that i have
everything thats mine is worse
everything thats mine is bad
everything thats mine is boring
everything thats mine is basic
everything thats mine is repeatable
everything thats mine is fallen
everything thats mine is mine
7
spalam sie
w swietle monitora
nie jestem w stnaie uciec
//
burning myself
in a light of computer display
unable to run away
8
nie jestem soba
nie jestem nie soba
i to wszedzie przychodzi
i to ja nie moge zudowac znaczenia,.
bo czymze jest zanczenie
niz zlepkiem skupienia w swiecie technologicznym
jakims pseudocelem ktory ma niby cos dac
nie znam glodu
nie znam bolu
nie znam strachu
znam symulacje sukcesu
mam dosc
ale nie chce umrzec
wie chyba jest nadzieja pewna
co jesli
tytany updane w moim zyciu i bede mogl obserwowac swiat na nowo
//
i am not myself
i am not no-myself
and everywhere it comes and goes
i cannot constrct meaning,.
cause whats even a-mening
that a some focus of the technical world
some pseudoaim thats supposed to give something
do not know hunger
do not know pain
do not know fear
know simulation of success
enough of that
do not want to die
so there might be a sure hope
what if
titans fall in my life and will be able to see it a-new
9
uniwersum zrobi to co uwaza co potrzebna
wazne by umiec czlpac i ze no reszta rzeczy
czasem jest
czasem nie ma
tylko nie tracic duszy
jeszcze moje miejsce w uniwersum ostateczne sie nie znalzlo
ale moze ta egzystencja my byc przecietna
oto lekcja
miliardy zyc takie sa
moze kilka tysiecy mozna by powiedziec ze byly wartosciowe, moze kilkadziesiat
reszta to tylko ruchy pod woda
ludzkosc to gora lodowa
//
the universe will do what it considers of import
it matters to crawl and that the rest of things
sometimes it is
sometimes it is not
just not lose the soul
still my place in the cosmos ultimatily has not been found
but maybe that existence is meant to be average
thats the lessons
billions of lives are like this
maybe few thousand that one can call valuable, maybe several dozen
rest just underwater flows
humanity is an iceberg
A
nie znosze wiekszosci
Fundamentalnie
co tylko pogarsza
moje zgubienie
//
i cant stand the majority
Fundamentally
that only worsens
my state of being lost
B
the saddest part is that the joy of darkness is gone
and it seems it will never come back
talking to one shrink
C
why do i question
i question because i am not sure
i never was sure
i might someday be sure
the world only can be changed by brutal action in acceptance of what is
and not escaping into other orders of meaning as they do not represent
nothing
fucking hell
going back into what is
the fuck is what is and what is not
D
obtoczonym cementem bunkier
moja wolnosc
Nowy jest w stanie przyjsc,
poza mroczna przszloscia
w hiperrzeczywistosci kazdy
jest zgubiony
bo gdzie znalezienie,
gdzie pojecia,
jak w niczym
nie ma stabilnosci.
//
concrete-wrapped bunker
my freedom
The New is able to come,
outside the dark future
in hypereality everyone
is lost
as where's the founding,
where the definitions,
as in nothing
there is no stability.